***Warning: This post is mostly spiritual in nature***
So I try and pride myself on being able to hide those things which hurt me most, but already this semester I realized I am not around the kind of people who are going to let me crawl into my safety zone and hide. This summer was really hard in many ways and I was content to come back to BYU- be anti-social and never EVER let anyone know that I was broken.
Unfortunately even before the semester started, people had seen through my bluff. I've always been the kind of person who prays with real intent to have good roommates, good neighbors, and the right strangers to come into my life when I need them most or when they need me most. It's been interesting this semester to see already at the very beginning that my Heavenly Father has heard my plea and has put some pretty amazing people in my life.
First there was my family... Cori, Alyson, Mallory thanks for your opinions even when all I wanted to do was say hey this is my decision I got this I'm fine. Thanks for making me open up and start discussing it instead of keeping everything bottled up.
I cannot thank my Heavenly Father enough for my roommates! Through the sassy attitude the tears and the mess of it all, they still love me. It took me awhile to see that, but I know without a doubt in my mind that they would drop anything if I needed them. Although I was hesitant to live with 6 girls that I knew really well it's turning out to be exactly what I needed. And Aurora- thank you especially for being there when I finally cried it out for the first time. You truly were my angel from heaven in that moment. Thanks for reassuring me, crying with me, and hugging me like crazy.
I don't even know how to begin thinking my Heavenly Father for good neighbors. I'm not the trusting type it takes me a really REALLY long time to trust people, but not Jordan. I've known him for 3 days and he already knows the in's and out's of my life... it's a bit scary but I trust him. I cannot not even begin to explain how much I needed not only the blessing he gave me but the venting session last night. As much as I tried to hide it I was broken and needed to be told I was broken and that it was ok for me to focus on me for a little while. I am so thankful for a friendship that came quickly and unexpectedly even when I was initially trying to send him away by being super sassy. I am so thankful for things he said because they were truly the answer to my prayers. It's really nice to have someone I can turn to and someone who is willing to comfort me and help me bear my burdens. Thanks Jordan for putting things into perspective and helping me truly grasp the entirety of the atonement.
Am I miraculously better? No. Am I still bitter? Yes. Are there still days when I wanna stay in my bed and cry? Yes. But I'm doing better. I've finally decided it's ok to discuss those things which hurt me most. I've finally decided it's ok for me to broken. And most importantly I've come to understand that Heavenly Father loves me even when I'm broken and he does here the pleas of my heart and sends people to be my angels. I know that little by little things will work themselves out and for that and all the other lessons I learned last night during my long hard night.... I am grateful!